Dilemma: failed or forgotten

Being forgotten…

What it feels like… It is not hard to explain once the feeling comes full on. Then comes the pressure to express and then you talk your heart out or write it- the way you like to do.

I am okay with someone telling me why they don’t want to engage or why they choose to walk away. The thing I can’t bear is being ignored or forgotten. There is always a reason, that is for sure. And it feels easy for the person who carries the reason but the one who is not told- it hurts so much deep inside.

Being forgotten brings the same emotions as failing. It feels like I could do a certain thing and I tried all the ways I could but I couldn’t, somehow I wasn’t able to achieve that thing. There is one difference. When you fail, there is a way you can find some reasons for not achieving what you wanted to achieve. If you know you did your best, you know the problem wasn’t in your control.

But when you are forgotten, you can always blame yourself for a part of the experience, however, you never know what went through that person’s mind. Was it something you did? Maybe. Maybe not. Were you even forgotten or ignored in the first place?

It is like sitting on a chair with countdown waiting for someone to come. That person just doesn’t come. And you don’t know what to do. You don’t want to leave, but you can’t stay either. It is a matter of minutes, and then a matter of seconds… And then, you find yourself walking away, but your heart is a million pieces. You just try to comfort yourself but you can’t concentrate because you are racing with your own emotions and getting a hold of your body and movements at the same time. That lyric, “I feel so wrong for doing the right thing,” that is what you exactly feel. It is a million struggles; do you wait, but until when, can’t you not go, but what if you get hurt more than you are now? Which question do you wish to answer? Well it actually doesn’t matter because it is not in your control anymore. The car you just got in is moving and you can see your breathing create smokes in the car window as you stick your head and follow the chair with your eyes until the last second you get to see it. Is someone coming?! Ugh, no, that was just another person’s shadow! Please, please, please, I’m begging you, please come running! Look for me in the chair and when you don’t see me, notice the car and come running! I swear, if I see just one figure like yours from the farth of the chair, I will shout out loud with all the power god has given me and stop this car and get out and either stay with you, or pull you in and take you with me. I will! I promise you, I will… You just gotta understand that I need you to come out right now, because this damn car is moving and I am about to lose sight of you… I get one last peak and then… Blackout. I see nothing else now that I don’t see you or hope to do so…

You have reached the end of your high hopes and imaginations. It is not happening my friend. You are stuck there with all your disappointment and you sink into the depths of your own darkness. You close your eyes and feel the tears come out slowly, one by one. You want to cry your heart out and scream and shout out of anger but you can’t. You just can’t. You are not even strong enough to get angry. You are not even there to get angry. You are in two universes: one is warm because your tears make it so, it is the physical world- the other is cold as ice where you look at your hands to believe their existence because you don’t feel them, or your entire body for the matter. You come and go in between. The more it comes to your mind the more your tears start coming out and the more you try to fight and soothe yourself at the same time. You feel tired all of a sudden, as if you were in a ring and someone had beaten the hell out of you. You feel the two sides of your stomach stick to each other because your tears has made you hungry in matters of milliseconds. You feel as if you want to slide down and down in the seat of your car until you disappear. It hurts. So much.

In the end, you are sorry for yourself because you don’t know: did you fail or were you forgotten?

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