Why love isn’t a priority for me

Let me begin by saying that I do value love. 🙂 But I have seen enough people get hurt for prioritizing love first that I found out that it wasn’t a priority for me at all.

Yesterday, I stayed up until the morning because I was doing my yearly value assessment. Every year I do this, I spend couple of hours and sometimes days to try to find what my values truly are. This time, it took me two days and a total of 9 hours. Next week is my exam week, so there went procrastination in a positive direction. 😀

I use the website “mind tools”  to do my value assessment and they provide a very detailed analysis procedure that you have to go through to be able to find out your true values. First you write down 3 of your happiest memories, 3 moments of most pride, 3 moments of most fulfillment. Then for each of those memories, you go through a list of almost 200 core values and tick the ones that are valid for each memory. In the end, you select the values that were common in all 9 memories. I had 22 common values for 9 memories. Then you try to group those values and make the list a 10-value list. And just when you think you have done the most part, comes the real challenge.

You go through a detailed analysis and compare all those 10 values one by one with each other. During the process you assign certain scores to all comparisons and come up with an order of your top 10 values and eventually discover what your top values are. Trust me, it is not as hard as it sounds. It is harder than that! 😀

I was very very surprised to learn what my actual values were! Last year I was as surprised too, but I guess this year I was more surprised! Last year my top 5 values turned out to being 1) Honesty and 1) Openness, 2) Love, 3) Faith, 4) Joy and spontaneity, 5) Security. I hadn’t gone through a very detailed analysis though, I had just spent 3 hours on the analysis. This year I was more determined: 9 hours guys! 😀 How crazy is that! 😀

You can check out the blog post I wrote after discovering the values I had last year, here. It is kind of funny now that I know things changed quite dramatically! 😀

Anyway, I was sure that like last year, honesty and openness would top the list. I wasn’t sure about the rest but I was 100% sure that honesty and openness would be my front-runner dudes. You can guess that it obviously didn’t turn out like that, hence, the existence of a blog post. Most of the values in my top 5 list weren’t even in my top 10 list of this year! It was a big shocker!

Let me tell you my value list of this year:

  1. Thankfulness
  2. Wholeness (inner harmony, unity)
  3. Growth (self-actualization)
  4. Independence and originality (being able to stand up for yourself and taking risks for what you believe)
  5. Assertiveness (inner confidence, strength and self-belief)
  6. Accountability (responsibility)
  7. Reliability (trustworthiness, supportiveness)
  8. Commitment
  9. Openness (expressiveness, vulnerability)
  10. Love

Seriously, how can love rank 10?! 😀 At first I thought I was kind cruel, but then when I was comparing each of those values within themselves, I realized that love was a condition and it needed preconditions to healthily exist.

For instance, what does love mean if there is no commitment? Does it mean anything if the partners aren’t thankful for its existence? Does its existence make sense if the partners don’t take responsibility for its existence, if they don’t be open about their feelings to each other? For some people, love is all they need. For me it is one of the most simple answers I can give. Love and love alone is not enough. 🙂

I personally don’t believe loving for fun. I don’t believe going into a relationship for fun, to start it just because someone is cute and see where it goes. Short-term love is heartbreak for me. I even question if that is love overall. I believe that love should include commitment and it should come after a lot of things have settled and taken place. Love requires maturity first of all. It requires personal understanding first, and then the mutual sharing comes. Of course, no-one is going to be 100% mature and self-actualized by the time they love somebody. But the main thing is being aware that they need to and taking steps and trying to be the best versions of themselves.

Well, as I have mentioned in my first ever sentence of this post, I don’t prioritize love. I think it comes with time after all those things are already there. Even if it comes before and partners are involved, I don’t think it would suffice or give happiness. I know for a fact that you love someone not only for their strengths but also their flaws, but that is different from loving someone who has an unhealthy outlook towards life, towards themselves and towards you as well. There is difference between mutually being accepting of each other and forcing a relationship to go because you are “supposed to accept each other’s flaws”. The first flaw-embracing is joyful; at times it is painful but it is empowering to see you both are trying and being non-judgemental. The second flaw-embracing is forceful; it hurts all the time. That pretty face doesn’t seem enough…

Not everyone has the same look towards love of course. Some people are in it just for the fun. Although it is disputable if that is love in the true sense, I believe that it is impossible to gain full meaning from that kind of relationship, it is impossible to grow as a person and enjoy that person’s company altogether. And as an intentional person, I think I respect my feelings and choices more than that.

Let me note again that everybody has their own understanding of love, and that is okay! I am just one of those people who worked 9 hours three days before their exam week just to find their values and share them with the world in their blog! And yes, I know, that there is big change I am the only person on that one. 🙂

It was a pleasure having you around! Comment below your own views on love!

See you soon dear readers!

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